Oct. 7, 2009 -- On May 12, 1998, two months before her final exams at law school, Wendy Fitzwilliam became the second Trinidadian (and second black woman) to capture the Miss Universe title. When, eight years later, Wendy announced that she was pregnant, the news was dramatic and controversial. Letters to Ailan is the narrative of a tumultuous time in Wendy’s life. It chronicles the impact made on her friends, family and adoring public by her choice to become and remain a single mother. It deals with the turbulent relationship she shares with her son’s father. Penned as an extended love letter from mother to son, Letters to Ailan is a frank, honest, compelling story, written by a strong, uncompromising woman never far from the glance of the public spotlight.

Letters to Ailan is published by Lexicon Trinidad Limited and available in both hardcover and trade paperback.

EXCERPT:

Apparently, the news of my pregnancy is carried by every news outlet in the country. I have not revealed your father’s identity, Ailan, but I am sure that by noon tomorrow his identity will be made public. We speak on my way to the office this afternoon after my presentation and he seems as relieved as I am that this phase is behind us. Of course, he eagerly looks forward to reading the Guardian’s print version of my speech. Peter and Barbara both call to inform me that the media is going crazy with the news of my pregnancy and thus far most reports are positive. But we all expect a dramatic shift tomorrow.

Your father seems genuinely excited about you, which is comforting, and also still enchanted by me. Ours is a young relationship, very new. Your mother is somewhat sceptical about love. Cupid has not been terribly kind to me. I have learnt that at first, second and even twelfth sight, lust is usually the prevailing emotion. Love comes with time, patience, an earned respect and thereby unwavering admiration.

You will be a West Indian, a Caribbean woman or man, one of the most fortunate people on Planet Earth. Your surroundings will be beautiful regardless of the community in which we dwell and the island on which we live, for they are truly all gems. There is an easy enjoyment of life on a tropical island that cannot exist elsewhere. Our culture in the West Indies is diverse, made up of many influences from every corner of the earth, and because we are small, geographically, and our environment lends itself to mingling and interacting, we are more intimately familiar with the many cultures that comprise our unique vibe than most others. Always remember that many people save for a lifetime to visit for a mere fortnight the islands you will call home. We of the West Indies have a lot for which we must thank God.

As we are winding down and getting ready to leave, I excuse myself; as I re-enter the dance floor from the ladies’ room, the D.J. plays ‘The Drop Leaf’ rhythm. Your father’s eyes dance with mischief and delight. This is the music to which you were conceived. He pulls me towards him and holds me very close but ever so gently. Again, I am struck by his touch. He has huge hands with long strong fingers through which he communicates with the world. His touch is strong and confident yet so gentle. Your father’s touch reveals so much about who he is fundamentally. He has no idea but, as I stand moving as one with him to the sweet sounds of this music from his homeland, I resolve to take my cues as to who he is from his touch. He has clearly learnt to mask emotion in his eyes. Maybe I enjoy his touch so much that I rationalise, or attempt to, the power his hands on my skin have over me.

Your Uncle Peter Elias and I sit and chat for the first time in several weeks. Despite my several attempts to meet with Peter alone before the holidays, the season and our busy schedules got the better of us and we have been unable to see each other. I know Peter will be disappointed initially so a face-to-face is necessary. Both he and his wife, Germaine, already know of my pregnancy, for the rumour mill has been very active.

My pillow is wet. I do not realise I have been crying. I quickly dry my eyes and flip over the pillow. This is nonsense, your mother should know better. We will focus on the many, many blessings that we enjoy and not dwell on life’s challenges. This is not the time to be needy. Your father is living a most ugly nightmare in what has been a very stable and charmed life to this point. I will pour most of my energies into you, Ailan, and into our happiness. From your father I expect no emotional support, and certainly not love; his respect of me and reverence of you is all I require and this seems to be second nature to him, so we will be fine.

The greatest joy in my life as of today, and likely forever, is the sound of your strong voice as you are eased from my body. It feels like an eternity before the nurses clean you, tag you and hand you to me. Your father is with you and is holding you, overwhelmed by your presence. He is holding you and enjoying you. As much as I enjoy watching him bond with you I need to hold you also.